An open letter to an alcoholic friend
20. Jan, 2010 
28 Comments
Note from Rick: This began as a private email. I decided to publish it in the hope that it would help someone else. Please comment and forward to someone you think would be helped by these words.
My old and 
friend – my little brother – my soul brother in the struggle
I can only assume from your silence that you are in some phase of working out the darker angels in your nature. Let me assure you again that I’ve got mine – and am in no way judging you – though I am observing what is happening to you and the choices you are making – from an enlightened place.
Being an addict myself – and battling addiction – and the restless nature – lust – anger – and whatever sorrow and pain leaves us with – I know that I understand craziness in a way that civilians do not.
To stand in a place where we can see the right thing to do – and the wrong thing – so clearly – and somehow choose the wrong thing – then cope with the consequences and pain of having it our way – is a bizarre human reality – that brings us confusion about ourselves – and shatters hope that one day things can be better.
After more than a decade of sobriety – relapse – treatment – fresh starts – and long periods of brilliant clarity – only to find that every night you spend alone you get drunk again – has built a case in your head that you will never change the truth about yourself – the one that no one else knows.
The secrecy and shame build inside us and the dark nature builds an airtight case against us – until we just say “what’s the use?”
To know that you can’t keep drinking and that you can’t stop - is the point of entry for recovery – or total destruction. To discover and admit this after 10 years is a scary thought and I don’t know how you are maintaining your balance – getting your work done?
Moving out of your home and into a hotel – leaving the safety and accountability of your wife and children conjures up images from the movie “Leaving Las Vegas” or worse yet “Barflies” – and reminds me of Charles Stanley’s illustration of “the bell.”
The Bell
Close to God, we hear His voice clearly, like a bell. But, the further we get from him by our own choices the more distant and thin the sound of the bell. There is a point where we can take ourselves so far away that the sound disappears altoghter and it is here that we are just helpless bait for the evil that bell was protecting us from.
I’ve exhausted all my clever illustrations on you, to tie yourself to your sponsor – even for one night – vs going to a hotel alone – when you and I both knew that your plan to hit a bar after your first AA meeting “post-move-out” was bare ass crazy.
And, my training about my own co-dependent nature tells me that I must distance myself from you while you willfully and recklessly choose to throw yourself off high cliffs. Partly because I am wasting my time, partly because it makes me angry, partly because it isn’t helping you and partly because not enabling you with empathy will hasten your consequences – where you’ll either pull out and recover – or die.
As we both know – there are no long term alcoholic strategies of success. If you are an alcoholic you have 3 fates – death (car wreck, health, etc), prison (see part 1 and add the financial consequences that put people in jail etc) or sobriety.
Every moment of every day you choose one of these three with your actions – regardless of the lie you tell yourself about how well you are managing this – or that today wasn’t so bad.
I need you to know that you CAN beat this, restore the things that are broken, and live free and healthy. You may have bought into a lie that says it’s hopeless. It is not. Maybe I’m the only guy telling you this, but I wanted you to hear it.
As pilots know, regardless of how stormy it is on the runway, it is “clear on top.” See you there.
Thats very sweet, caring and compassionate- in other words, very you.
Dr. Wright
The Wright Place TV Show
Whew! That’s one heavy post — but I’m guessing it’s exactly what your “little brother” needs to hear.
Ryan
Thanks Dr Wright – and Ryan!
I’m hopeful this will get spread around to people who need encouragement mixed with reality – vs the guilt and shame and condemnation as they struggle to get to the surface for air.
Thanks, Rick, for posting this… yet another proof of your boldness And your Caring Nature. Your friend(s) are lucky to have you as such. I’m commenting also in hopes that those your post is intended for can know that there are others of us who have battled the same and similar demons, have won the battle to Live In Sobriety Now and that if we could do it, then They Can Too…for me it came about slowly, I asked Christ to free me from the bondage and insanity and one day, after some time had passed, I suddenly realized I no longer had a ‘taste’ for any of the things I used to do before. Living life in sobriety is still no ‘piece of cake’ but at least I can see clearly Now.
)
Hello, my name is Rick, and I’m a cocaine addict.
Hi Rick!
Wow Rick…what a sharing experience.
As one who battles with my own demons I can only say that every day is a new day and a new battle. I’ve gone through days where choosing sobriety sucks, I’ve had days where my choice of sobriety is a blessing, AND I’ve had days where I just chose to completely ” *uckit!”. All are choices, and all of them involve some level of discomfort. That is the life of an addict.
I wish the best for you and your brother. You are not alone.
Thanks Ryan for sharing.
Monsters live in the dark. Drag them into the light and they die (even though they go kicking and screaming.)
Thank you for these wise words, Rick. I too stand up with the many who are constantly fighting a daily battle with addiction. My family has experienced so much tragedy due to alcohol addiction that goes back generations. With God’s love and guidance in our life, let us be the generation that finally breaks the cycle.
Thank you Jane
The devastation caused by booze and drugs is so widespread at this point as to be included in the ordinary human condition. People who don’t have addicted people in their family are the rarity – and everyone pays the price.
Thank you RIck…this is a wonderful post.
Your heartfelt authenticity is undeniable. I applaud and appreciate your courage… to speak it to yourself, to your loved one and out loud for all of us to hear and benefit from. Silence is an option many choose.
Mutli-addictions have been a part of my family’s history …it’s pretty hard to find one it hasn’t, so I thank you again for putting this into words. My prayers will include you and yours during this challenging time.
Blessings…In Peace,
Jeri
Thank you for this letter. My 82 year old dad died in December. He was an alcoholic, and I keep asking myself, “Why couldn’t we help him stop.” I didn’t realize that he was drinking throughout the day. I didn’t see it growing up, thank goodness for my mom. But, when my mom died in 1991, my dad drank opening in front of us, and I was thankful that I didn’t see him do that while I was growing up. It was hard enough as an adult. I still wonder why we didn’t have intervention. Why we didn’t talk to him more. He did quit for about a year at age 74 or so when he got a DUI. He was so cool. Dad was back. Then he took that first drink again … My mind just wishes we could have helped him. Thanks for listening. Still going through the process of losing Dad.
Wow.
I come from a long line of alcoholics. I was one myself. I went through increasingly abd marriages to alcoholics and drug abusers. I quit drinking almost 18 years ago. I quit the bad relationships 13 years ago.
But it takes a big enough reason why. I quit so I could raise my daughter in a normal life. I didn’t want her to grow up with the same pain and destruction that I had.
I think that’s why interventions work as often as they do. It gives you a real picture of the love you’re about to lose. Many times when you’re in the struggle, you think you’ve already lost and it doesn’t matter anymore. If there is a way to do an intervention for your ‘little brother’, you may want to consider it.
In any event, I hope he finds his big reason before it’s too late. My mom never did. But my grandfather did. My stepfather did. I did. There’s hope.
Thanks for sharing Rick. I lost my parents to alcoholism and found it hard to read your letter in one sitting. It touched me very deeply.
Thank you Jeri – you are always so encouraging.
Carole, thank you for taking the time and the risk – to share your story about your father. My father, a strong man’s man who transcended every challenge thrown at him and cut his own path to business and success, was nonetheless ruled by tobacco and alcohol most of his life.
Despite losing his larynx to Lucky Strike unfiltered cancer inducing tubes he persisted in smoking until cancer took him. Pain medication replaced beer late in the game.
One thing is clear – alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful and is no respecter of persons. I bear no ill will toward the practicing alcoholic, but know also that I cannot manufacture their sobriety. It is up to each person to make choices.
It’s obvious you needed to “share” here and I am glad you did..as will be many others that arrive here. Reading this reminded me of watching my father move to another country ( just like out of the house)…and run from responsibility…and I knew he was not coming back. Why did he run and ride? Why didn’t he want to be around his kids and his grandkids? He did …he just didn’t know how. Baffling… I knew all I could do is to be present and sober/clean for my family. I buried my father 2 years ago at 59. I am coming up on 5 years.
Thinking of you and your brother tonight.
Thanks for Reading
JPS
Rick and others who may or may not be experiencing despair for whatever reason…
Remember that even though you may not yourself from time to time, there are others apart from God who will love you forever.
My best friend ever was an addict and committed suicide. Her death is one of the reasons why I’m a sadder yet better person. I’ve raised money for the prevention of youth suicide and also for the homeless… Yet NOTHING will ever get me over the sorrow of Victoria’s choice. I spent 2 hours with her on the phone telling her how special she was… later that night I was never able to speak with her again…
No matter how dark your days may be, stars always come out at night. Sometimes it’s just the cloudy haze of drugs and alcohol that prevent us from realising that… </End…
I need someone to close that tag… yet I feel it never can be.
You have shown yourself to be brave… Now let your compassion and will echo for eternity!
JC
We should all be so lucky to have a friend like you. Thanks for sharing.
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Hi Rick,
You might consider giving him my Alcohol Freedom program. It has saved a lot of people, 1000s who thought they were hopeless and had failed repeatedly. I would be happy to send it to him as a gift. Just give me his address.
You can see it here. http://www.quitdrinkingnow.com
Wendi
Mia – Wendi – Jonathan – you guys rock!
Thanks for your awesome words of insight and encouragement.
Wendi – I’ll be emailing you with my friend’s email – and take you up on your generous offer to share your course on how to stop drinking.
Thanks so much
This letter really touched my heart. Rick I admire your courage to share it with everyone. My son has had some problems with addictions. He was able to overcome the drugs, but the alcohol still has a grip at times. I know he can beat it with the support of family and friends. He made the biggest step when he admited to me and more importantly himself that he definitely has a problem.
Don’t ever give up on the person you are writing about. Faith is a mighty thing! We all have our breaking points, maybe he just hasn’t reached his yet. I wil keep you both in my heart and my prayers.
Keep up the good work you have begun.
Rick, Having several in-laws who have battled alcoholism and a younger brother who died from his excesses (drink and drugs), you are right on. The only way out is up – into God’s loving presence. AA works because of the spiritual focus and personal support. I pray for peace and healing.
Rick, thanks for sharing this intimate and powerful message! I see that you have inspired many others to do the same.
My grandpa drank his whole life until he got liver cancer. He quit cold turkey after his diagnosis, but it was too late. The irony is, he was a medical doctor specializing in gastric & liver diseases. He made peace with himself in the end and faced his death with such grace. It was my dad who, also a doctor, went through SO much emotional turmoil watching his own father die and feeling totally helpless… I was 12 at the time watching this all happen. Definitely one of the defining moments and a HUGE life lesson for me. That’s why I wrote this story as well as the principle “Practice Detached Involvement” in my book Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul: 7 Keys to Nurture Yourself While Caring for Others. As George Bernard Shaw said, “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” When we can shine the light on the demons, they lose their powers.
Peace, Joy & Blessings to you, my friend!
Hueina
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Rick, thank-you for your rigorous honesty. Experience, Strength and Hope are all we have to share. There is no right or wrong only the illness and recovery,. each of us must decide which one it will be. It works if you work it. All the axioms of the 12-Step Programs are magical. the Serenity Prayer has gotten me through many a dark passage. Thanks for sharing.
Rick – thank you for sharing – thank you for honesty, thank you for sobriety. Thank you for transparency.
Child of an alcoholic father, child of a borderline personality disordered co-dependent mother
Survivor of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual abuse
Former cocaine abuser – nearly killed myself more than once
Former alcohol abuser – nearly killed myself more than once
Twice divorced from husbands who were alcoholic one a dry drunk who transferred his addiction to gambling, the other a “secret” drinker who only drank when he was away and would come home “energetically mucky” finally figured that one out when the drinking “popped through” during a stressful financial time in our life.
Sober myself for the last 7 years, no more alcohol, no more drugs.
Thank you for the clarity Great Spirit – Clarity is Divinity
Some of the things I discovered on my healing journey is how DEEPLY intertwined the “energy” of addiction is with all other aspects of the fabric of our lives. I think you might find my recent post about Jamesons and Sales interesting….
http://amethystwyldfyre.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/what-do-a-hole-in-the-ground-jamesons-sales-my-dad-have-in-common/
Peace is in you….
Love lights us!
Amethyst
Monsters live in the dark – Dr Phil (who happens to be right a LOT)
Thanks for dragging them out into the light – where they can die in reality and begin to heal.
Great inspirational post. Brings tears to my eyes thinking about the state I was in just a little over a year ago, in the hopeless grips of alcoholism and drug addiction. There is hope out there. After 7 trips to rehab, where my surrender was merely conditional, I was finally “forced” into getting sober. Not because other people thought I needed to, or because I was about to lose my job, but because I was in a position where it was either kill myself or get sober. Suicide seemed like the best option at the time, but looking back, I’m so glad that I somehow ended up in AA and miraculously stuck around until the desire to live became greater than the desire to die. AA worked and is working for me, and works for a lot of people. But it isn’t the only way. I consider AA to be a vessel to God. I hope your friend is able to see a glimmer of hope in his desperate situation and begin the journey of a sober life. It really is a beautiful way of existence.
Thanks Rick, just looked U up on google. God brought me to AA (don’t know how, truly a miracle) then AA brought me to God (another miracle, considering I was an atheist). Doesn’t matter really, you can get clean & sober in AA no matter what U believe. I was in your bro’s pos a number a yrs back, “Leaving Las Vegas, “Barflies” and worse. If he wants to connect w/anyone to talk, go to a mtg, etc., pls feel free to call or email/think U still have my info?